CHICAGO—Despite making an effort to cook more meals at home, local man Greg Francese reportedly hit a snag Friday when a difficult-to-follow recipe called for the dish to be enjoyed with friends. “Oh no, I should have read the whole thing before I got started, I don’t have any of those handy,” said the 34-year-old single man who lived alone upon realizing it was too late to go back to the grocery store to see if he could pick up any friends there. “I hate it when they have weird shit in the recipe that they just expect you to have heard of—where would I even find loved ones? They really should have included that in the ingredients list, because even if I did have another person or two lying around, it doesn’t say how much or when you add them in. It said 40 minutes prep time at the top, but that clearly doesn’t factor in a lifetime of cultivating meaningful relationships.” At press time, Francese was pleased to find that vinegar seemed to be an adequate substitute for human connection.